Ok, so its no big secret that in this current decade there has been a significant rise in veterans being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and that this is having a rather significant impact on the many charities that help these veterans. I am one of those veterans now receiving their help.
In 2012 I was discharged from the Army after serving nearly 10 years, under the compulsory redundancy program being undertaken across the MOD. This was in an attempt to reduce the regular army down to 82,000 under the 2020 review.
During my career as you would expect any soldier to have done, I saw some sights that many would never see in their lifetime. I was deployed to the following areas of operations during my career, Iraq, The Falklands and Afghanistan.
Now, to get a good picture of how I came to suffer PTSD I have to go back to the time when I was in school, high school that is, as I suffered horrendously at the hands of some of the most vile bullies I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. I didn’t have many friends but the ones I did have I cherished.
From 1997 to 2002 I was tormented almost daily by bullies. I decided to stay on an extra year and complete a year in sixth form but little had changed. I have toyed with the idea of naming and shaming people but to be honest once this gets out they will know who they are anyway and I’m better than that.
So with the constant and never ending bullying cycle I went through I thought it would end when I joined the Army, sadly I was wrong to be so naive. Basic training was as it’s supposed to be, hell on earth. It’s not supposed to be easy and it wasn’t. It was during my basic training that I finally learnt to stand up for myself and defend myself. That’s one beauty of the Army, you are taught to look after yourself. One incident I can recall was when one of my fellow peers squared up to me for no reason, but me filled with a renewed confidence managed to take care of the whole issue and I was never bothered again for the next 11 weeks, sadly the young man who tried to intimidate me was medically discharged, a just desert for nothing more than a bully.
After basic training I moved on to take up my phase 2 training which would last from March to August of 2004. During this time I wasn’t bothered by any one, I suspect mainly for the fact I found myself on guard so often and so was never around many people. My time at Phase 2 flew by, I was always so busy doing things that I didn’t have time to really relax or enjoy things, I did manage however to get home often as we always had the weekends off which was unusual for a training establishment but none the less it was a welcome reprieve.
So after my phase 2 training I was then sent on to the field army, I was now a fully trained soldier ready for life in the Army, or so I thought. I arrived at my new unit which was 9 Regiment RLC based over in Chippenham, Wiltshire. Upon first sight of this place I couldn’t get over how green it was, there was so much greenery I thought I was walking into a 1940’s military base. Needless to say I was very happy being here, until I met one of my fellow junior NCO’s, and that’s when my past experiences of chronic bullying started again.
For the next three years this individual would make my life a misery, constantly berating me and humiliating me in front of people. What was worse it was in front of senior NCO’s and Officers, who stood by and did nothing, and I mean nothing. The Army was supposedly supposed to have a zero tolerance against bullying; I can assure you now this is not the case and was never the case during my time in service.
After three years of hell, the individual was kicked out of the Army, after having assaulted someone quite seriously I might add. He went by the way of becoming a drug user and possibly a dealer as well. I wasn’t completely shot of him, as his partner was still in the Army and in the same unit as me, so every function or gathering he would be there.
In 2007 I moved on to a new job, I became one of the Provost Staff members, dealing with minor disciplinary problems and managing soldiers under sentence. It was a very rewarding job and I enjoyed it no end, however it was again marred with yet more bullying. After being in the Provost team for just under a year i was sent over to the Falklands for a 6 month tour of duty. Initially i enjoyed it until after two months when the bullying again started once more, this time not as bad as previously but still not pleasant to have to experience.
2007 wasn't a great year any way, i'd recently gotten into a relationship with a young girl from Birmingham and while it was good to start with it wasn’t to be a relationship i could count on. During my deployment to the Falklands the woman whom i thought cared for me decided to end our 9 month relationship during my tour. Yes, that's right she dumped me by phone while i was 8,000 miles away, not so nice after all. Needless to say i picked myself up rather quickly after that any way i wasn’t going to let things like this get me down and so i soldiered on as soldiers are supposed to do and are rightly trained to do.
After i came back home from my tour of duty i was in limbo, i was working in the Quartermaster's dept for a number of months which was again marred with yet more bullying. I only spent three months in the QM’s Dept anyway, and was sent back to my phase 2 training establishment to train as a postal and courier operative. The 4 weeks went by quite fast, and it was nice to be there as an NCO and not as a recruit. After my course had finished i returned to my unit and took up the post of Regiment Postman. I also did double duties as well alongside the provost staff as and when required and so found myself to be rather busy for the next year and 2 months.
I took up that post early 2008 and stayed there until March 2009 when i decided to transfer to the Adjutant Generals Corps – Staff Personnel Support, it was a bit of a shock as i was to return to phase 2 style training and being a trained soldier of 5 years it wasn’t easy to go back to. I was carrying an injury from 2007, is twisted at the knee which was becoming more problematic as time went on and so couldn’t keep up with the recruits, but saying that, that's how its supposed to be, I'm not supposed to keep up with them and they are supposed to out do me and my fellow NCO’s (wasn’t all the time there were occasions where id kick the recruits backside as well) but as time progressed i knew this problem wasn’t going to get better.
After 13 weeks of trade training i was posted to 16 Medical Regiment based with 16 Air Assault Brigade at Merville Barracks in Colchester, Essex. I hated it as soon as i arrived. This wasn’t the place for me at all, and sadly i would have to endure 4 years of misery before i could leave.
I think the worst part of being there was knowing i'd been promoted to Corporal but was denied the right to carry it over to my new corps. Id promoted off the RLC promotion board but the AGC board wouldn’t allow the carry over. I was gutted to say the least. Life wasn’t going to get any easier nor was it going to get any happier for me. I was placed into 19 Medical Squadron as the Junior Administrator, this was to be the start of my misery. My OC was an absolute nightmare and i mean nightmare. The bloke couldn’t manage if he was hit in the face with the book of how to be a manager it still wouldn’t have made any difference.
It wasn’t just me who suffered under him, even the officers and senior NCO’s suffered. My life wasn’t just made miserable by him, but by another person. Now i did say early on that i wouldn’t name and shame people but this man i am going to name and shame, his name was SSgt Colin Jess.
I make no apologies for what i am about to say here, but this bloke was the biggest bully i have ever had the pleasure to meet. This man ruled with an iron fist, step out of line and that was it, hell would ensue. He made many people's lives a misery during my time with the unit. One particular incident that occurred was when he didn’t receive daily orders, the reason he hadn’t got them was because they failed to send via email, however they were displayed downstairs for all to see and so he didn’t have much of an excuse but being a Senior NCO he felt he could do what he pleased as and when he felt like it, the man was left to take the law in his own hands on many occasions.
Sadly this lead to a confrontation on his part, he came to my office to order me to his office at 1530 hrs the same day, i responded in kind by saying i'll be there something along the lines of “ Yes Staff, i will be there” his response was rather unprovoked and not needed in that he simply said “yes you will” i looked at him with disdain and utter contempt, i hated this man, he was a mean and nasty bully doing it for no other reason than for kicks.
Me looking at him subsequently upset him i suppose and he squared up to me literally nose to nose. I can't recall exactly what he said but i think it was along the lines of “don’t try me, I'm your worst nightmare” he walked off after that and i didn’t see him until that afternoon when he wanted to see me.
When i turned up, i decided to pander to him, the thing is with people like him if you resist or retaliate you make things worse and they just try even harder to make your life miserable, so i pandered, i apologised to him, blah blah blah.
He gave me a minor sanction (to those still serving AGAI 67) whereby he required me to check a list of serial numbers on stocked medical items. A task he felt would take 4 hours, but he failed to recognise I'm an ex RLC supply specialist, i did stores to death for nearly 4 years and so was quite happy to learn i was doing stores for my punishment, little did he know it took me only 30 mins to complete the whole task, not 4 hours he thought it would take. So i felt a small victory in that respect.
Things didn’t get better, he was intimidating and vile all the time, not just to me but to many others. He purposely set out to make people miserable, what for i'll never know. But many felt he had some sort of split personality disorder. A sort of Jekyll and Hyde manner.
Anyhow, i was moved from 19 Sqn over to the Med Support Wing, this was a bit more relaxed but still had its challenges etc. I wasn’t there for long, as i was again moved down to Regimental Headquarters to take up a new post that was being created. I hated working here, this place was the main concentration of bullies, The Operations Officer, The Adjutant, The CO, The SSA, The FSA all of them bullies in one way or another. The only person i felt was on my side was the Sys-Co-ord but saying that it wasn’t all the time.
Whilst posted with 16 Med, i completed a tour of duty to Afghanistan, 6 months of pure hell and nothing but more bullying to contend with. I was made to feel useless on a daily basis by many members of staff, the only people who were on my side and made issue of my treatment was the US Navy and they certainly made and passed comment but not being British no one listened and the treatment continued until i returned home.
When i got back home from Afghanistan i had a long period of time off, nearly 6 weeks, during that time off i met someone new, but sadly after a few weeks i found out she wasn’t girlfriend material at all. In fact going as far as to sleep around with several men whilst she was away on holiday.
In 2011 i finally felt i'd landed on my feet, i met my current partner in September of that year and we are still together now four years on. She is my rock, my solid platform and for a while life was pretty happy.
It wasn’t to last long though, a new individual had started at the unit, and again I'm breaking my rule but i need to. Sgt Robert Page, was the new SSA for 16 Med, and it was like being around Colin Jess all over again, another pure bully who seemed to get kicks out of making my life a misery. If you recall to earlier i said i suffered a knee injury which was getting worse and worse as time went on, i had finally had an MRI scan done at the local hospital which revealed a torn meniscus in my left knee. With this injury being officially diagnosed i was placed on the downgraded list as P3, this meant i could still deploy but in a limited manner, and was only able to do certain parts or types of PT, sadly with a reduced level of physical ability and not being able to take part in the full PT routines i started gaining weight.
With my weight ballooning at a pace, this only fuelled the bullies, and so Sgt Page would use this as part of his bullying tactics on a near daily basis. Not only that but he would manipulate situations to his advantage. One particular situation was where by we had an IT failure that wouldn’t allow us to send out emails and so Part One Orders couldn't be sent out. Sadly Sgt Page couldn't grasp the concept of an IT Failure, and so decided that because, in his eyes of course, we had disobeyed his orders. He decided that he would give us a choice of an extra duty or to go and help set up for a function for the Junior ranks. Either way i was going to find myself missing out on my down time so i opted for the lesser of two evils and went to help setup the function,
2012 soon came around, and i found myself in the RAO's office being told that i was eligible for redundancy. I took time to decide if it was right for me and with the help from my incredible partner i finally came to the decision that my time in the Army was to come to an end. But my turmoil wasn't to end for another year.
In March of 2012 i was signed off sick with depression. Little did i know that this was to be the start of a long battle with PTSD. I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD at this time, in fact it wouldn't be until 2015 that i would finally find out i was suffering from it. I was off sick for nearly 3 months with depression, It was serious enough that i was placed into cognitive behaviour therapy, or CBT. This type of therapy is known as a talking therapy and involves talking about how your feeling and then finding out ways to manage those feelings. After three months on the sick it was finally time to find out if i was to be made redundant or not after i had sent in my voluntary papers for redundancy. On June 11 2012 i had been accepted for redundancy.
I was overcome with relief knowing that i had only 6 months to go and i would be a civilian again and would escape the torture of bullying. However my 6 months would be difficult and it would feel like a long waiting game to play as well.
As many will recall we hosted the 2012 Olympic Games, and due to the shortfall in security staff provided by G4S we were called in to bridge the gap of the shortfall. This meant i would lose out on 3 months of my resettlement time and again be plunged back into misery of having to work around the most spectacular event in my lifetime, i suspect i will never see the games return to the UK again and sadly if that's the case it means the only chance i had to enjoy the games was tarnished by checking buses and cars and standing guard on a gate. I asked many times to be released to return to barracks so i could begin my journey to my new life but i was denied every time. I blame the Army for depriving me of the right to resettle and deprived of the time needed to do so. I had to literally cram in 6 months worth of work in less than 3. I didn't need the stress. One other thing that really got my backup was the fact there were 6 of us who were accepted for redundancy 4 of which were not tasked with going down to London only me and one other were. I didn't understand why me and one other had to go and the other 4 got to stay behind and start their resettlement almost immediately. Sadly my CO had a hand in this decision and i know for a fact that he did this on purpose as he didn't like me or the other guy and so sought a way to make us miserable. We had both had our run ins with the CO, not because we had done something wrong but because we stood up for what was right and what we believed in. He didn't like that and so in his eyes he got his revenge.
The decisions of the CO and his subordinates have greatly impacted my life. Had i been given the full 6 months to complete the required resettlement i needed i know i would be in a much better position than i am today. My school years and military ones have been tarnished with nothing but bullying and misery. Yes i have had some good times and i do have some fond memories but they are always tinged with a some sadness. The MoD says they have a zero tolerance policy to bullying, this isn't the case at all. I was made to always feel insignificant in some way and with the way i was feeling i couldn't tell someone. Its hard for a soldier to report someone for being a bully and if you did then there was always that possibility of repercussions against you for being a snitch, and then that leads to you not being trusted which then leads to more misery.
My PTSD has just been caused by bullying, it's been caused by the things i have seen and the things i have experienced. The bullying is only a contributing factor to my PTSD which has exacerbated the condition. I have a long way to go before i am better but i will never ever be free from PTSD. It is now a lifelong condition that now have to live with and i will have times when i feel very low, but there will be times when i feel better as well.
You are probably asking why i have decided to talk about this. Its simple i'm angry. I feel let down by those i trusted to ensure i was kept safe. I feel cheated out of my rights to resettle and victimised in the fact only me and one other out of 6 were sent away and 4 others were allowed their rights and i was made to feel as if i wasn't worthy enough of those rights,
When i joined the Army, i was hoping for a long and prosperous career, sadly all i got was a short career filled with misery and sadness. I was glad to leave the Army in 2012, i was tired and id had enough of the lifestyle, however civilian life wasn't any easier but at least i was able to do what i wanted when i wanted and i was happier than i was when i was enlisted.
There is no doubt in my mind that my life has been severely and adversely affected by the treatment and decisions of those in a position of command who should have known better and should have been the ones to stamp out bullying. But it wasn't the case and sadly not only i but many others suffered at the hands of these bullies.
What do i hope to gain from this? If i'm honest nothing. I just want my story out there so others who have suffered find the strength to speak out and tell their story. If this goes some where to preventing the same as what i have had to suffer then it's a step in the right direction. I'm disappointed with the Army and if i'm honest i seriously regret ever becoming a part of the Army or the Armed Forces. I have so few memories of good times and too many memories of bad times and it's one of the reasons i now discourage anyone from joining the armed forces, not just the Army but all three of them.
So thats my story of how i came to need the help of charities because of what happened to me when i was in the Army. If you want to share it by all means, please do so. If you want to comment please do i welcome them, but make sure when you do comment remember you have not walked in my shoes and you don't know me so be wise with your words otherwise you may just find your comments being removed.
All that's left to say is thank you for taking the time to read this.
I wish you all the best,
Clancularius
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